Thoughts on the Holiday Season
This time of year, many of us start thinking about holidays and getting together with family and friends. Homes will be decorated, holiday music will be playing in the car, and stories will be told. Hopefully, everything for you will be light, love, and reconnection with the people you love. BUT, if you are dreading dealing with those one or two people that always know how to push your buttons, here is a guide to keeping your cool!
1. “What are you doing for ____?”
If this is a time of year that is normally positive and enjoyable for you, this question is just routine! There is probably NO question of where you will be or what you will be doing. Even with the pandemic you may have found a way to be flexible. Scheduled virtual meetings to share a meal, games, stories, etc. may already be worked out!
For people with dysfunctional families or those going through hard times (and, let us be honest, it IS A HARD TIME), this question may land a little more sharply. OR this may be an unimportant time for you. Thanksgiving may be just another Thursday.
If this time of year is hard for you, or unimportant to you, you may want to consider using the following responses:
“I don’t really celebrate but tell me what you like to do.”
“That is a painful subject for me, thank you for understanding. Tell me more about how you like to celebrate!”
“I don’t really like to talk about it.”
You do not owe anyone your story! If someone is pushing you to do anything you don’t want to do – including talking about your lack of desire to celebrate the holidays – they are the ones making it awkward and it is about them and their stuff, NOT yours.
2. “Let’s Talk about the 2020 election!”
There may be some families than can have respectful conversations about politics (mine is not one!), but if your family is more likely to have ZERO ability to have an open mind and make constructive arguments – you are NOT alone. You may want to consider using the following responses:
“No thank you.”
“I prefer not to talk about politics or religion.”
“Did you know, the only letter that doesn’t appear on the periodic table is J?”
Ultimately, if you are dreading spending any time with anyone – you can make yourself a list of the people you DO want to see/connect with and make it a point to spend as much time connecting with them as you can.
3. “Should you be eating that?”
Our culture cannot let go of commenting on other’s eating and bodies on normal days, let alone during the holidays. If the food police show up, remember – what others think about your recovery is none of your business! You can only control how you respond, so try one of these:
“I’m not sure how me taking care of me is harmful to you.”
“It’s really weird that you are monitoring my food.”
“I will worry about what is on my plate, Thank you!”
It will be awkward because commenting on your food choices IS awkward. It is not your job to make people more comfortable.
4. “Is THAT what you are wearing?!?”
Talk about feeling like a little kid all over again! Critical comments like these can be SHARP and are NEVER about you (Have you picked up on the pattern here yet?). Some responses to try:
“Nice to see you too!”
“How I dress my body is none of your business.”
“I’m confused. What is it that you want me to feel or do when you say something like that?”
5. “When are you _______?”
Getting married, getting a “real” job, having babies, finishing your degree, etc. If this line of questioning is shame invoking, take a deep breath and respond with something like:
“It’s hard to say.”
“Thanks for asking! It is not going well right now, so I would love to talk about ANYTHING else. How are things with you?”
“Any day now!”
Hopefully you have a good idea of how you can have boundaries with people you love during this emotionally charged holiday season!