Personal Stories

“Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.” — Morgan Harper Nichols

I have spent the last 20 years of my life trying to live by the principles of “Grit & Grace” to build resiliency and eliminate the old patterns of falling into victim stance due to my childhood experiences. I prefer to think of “grit” as steadfast courage in times of hardship and “grace” as giving (myself included) kindness and compassion.

Grit is the foundation; it is what you do. It is resilience and confidence built by pushing through uncomfortable situations. You earn grit. Grace is how you do it. It is your approach, your style. Grace is personal.

Autobiographical storytelling can be a path to truly owning our story, building resilience, and being supportive of healing. Research shows that even brief autobiographical storytelling exercises can have substantial impacts on psychological and physical health even months after the storytelling.

When considering sharing our stories, know that words are powerful and sharing our stories can help others. Finding our voice gives us a way to express ourselves and learn how to think about what has happened in our lives in a way that makes sense. Telling our story helps us to clarify what is important. By telling our stories, we find a sense of peace and hope.

You may have heard my story before, but here it is again – just in case:

Hello! My name is Molly and I have been on a carbage free journey since November 3, 2017. I was 34yo and I was a mess to say the least. I weighed 280# and had 2 young children that I couldn’t get on the floor to play with. I dreaded going to bed at night because it was painful. It was painful to wake-up and take the first steps of the day. I had to use a seatbelt extender in my vehicle. I stopped hiking. I was barely keeping my head above water. Twice in my life a book saved me.

How did I get to that point? I think it started when I was 9yo. My parents announced they were divorcing, and it was a SURPRISE to me. It seemed like it was a surprise to my dad too. He packed his truck and left that night. I remember standing in the driveway so he couldn’t leave. After that it was a blur. How did this happen? They never fought – not that I can remember. There was never any indication of a problem. I also do not remember an overly loving home either.

My mom quickly moved us to Montana from Wyoming, and we were a few hours away from my dad. She got a job (she previously ran a business with my dad) and I was frequently left in charge of my younger siblings. My only “time-off” was when I was in school. I think this is truly when I began to use food to cope. It was my responsibility to make dinners and baked goods as well as manage my siblings.

Something you must understand is that my mother has no love for me. I’m certain, at this point, she did not want me (Yes, my parents were married for 8 or 9 months before they found out their first was on the way) from the beginning. In fact, she often said as much growing up, “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have had kids”. Funny how I was the only one she treated poorly. Years later, in my own therapy (and as a clinical therapist) I was able to acknowledge my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Eventually) The book, Trapped In The Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self by Elan Golomb saved me from a very dark place.

But why am I telling you this? Because you have to know that my daily life was filled with torture and torment, physical, emotional, and mental abuse, and neglect. I didn’t know it then - but I do know it now. She referred to me often as the “Fat lazy bitch” as if I didn’t have a name. “Two-Ton Tilly” was another favorite … especially at my softball games. I was often reminded how much like my father I was. I was a “weirdo” and a “freak”. I was “book smart” but not street smart. I read books one after the other as an escape.

When I was 11yo I was left to live with my dad. Just me. It was both torture and heaven. I was now left ALONE frequently. But I only had to manage myself. I didn’t have to make all the meals for many people – I just had to find food for me when I was hungry. I found what I wanted, ate it, and was done. When my mother demanded me back to her home (she needed childcare for the summer) I had lost weight apparently because I remember her commenting on my body yet again – but in a positive way this time.

Back to her house I went and back came the responsibilities and coping skills that I learned just months earlier.

Can I tell you something even funnier about this whole thing?!?! I wasn’t once overweight. I was normal and have pictures to prove it. But she created a story in my mind that I was a “fat lazy bitch” and that I was somehow less than because of it.

At 18yo I was told to leave. I was no longer welcome in her home. I had until I graduated (only a few weeks after turning 18yo) to figure it out. I have never been back in her home. I don’t have a room to “go home to”. I don’t have a “home” to go back to. My home now is the most stable I have ever been in my life. That does something to a kid.

Anyway, I found a road construction job for the summer with my stepdad in a remote area of the state. We had an unfurnished apartment there and we slept on air mattresses. But it was a place for me to be until I started college in the fall. I went on to get my undergraduate degree by waiting tables. I was up 40 pounds from my senior year in high school and I was about to get married to my high school sweetheart.

SO? So, I did the Weight Watchers program. No. I didn’t weigh in every week. I just tracked my points and stuck to it. I lost the weight very quickly and kept it off for 6 months or so. Then the creep began.

At the time I was working in Corrections and (surprise, surprise) still didn’t have great coping skills! I was independent and self-sufficient, but I was codependent, passive-aggressive, and depressed as hell. Suicidal even (for a second time in my life). I got into therapy and got on medication. It helped – A LOT! I really thought my main issue was codependency.

For years I worked on myself in therapy. For years I used food to cope. By the time I was 28yo I had a master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling and wanted to start a family. I was also 250# and newly diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I went gluten and dairy free and was given Metformin. I developed gestational diabetes and had to lower my carb intake to 150g per day. I had to track my food and test my blood sugar three times a day. I was required to meet with a specialist at the Diabetes Center frequently and had to have extra fetal heart monitoring, ultrasounds, and early induction. My first daughter was born in December 2012 and I weighed 280#.

I remember the “baby weight” coming off easily. All 30#. Believe me when I say 250# is NOT my ideal body weight. But I was a new mother barely keeping my head above water with the colicky baby who screamed all night long, exhaustion, hormone craziness, trying to find trustworthy childcare, all the well-child checks, and more! I was in survival mode and losing weight was not on the “to-do” list. So, I maintained. I used food to cope but I wasn’t gaining. I was holding steady.

A few years later, I had left Corrections but was still working in Sexual Assault and on the Suicide/Crisis hotline as well as trying to grow my tiny private practice. I was up 30# (hey! Imagine that?!?) and we were hoping for a second baby to complete our family. Back to the OBGYN I went. Back on the Metformin and this time they let me stay on the medication for the entire pregnancy. I did not develop gestational diabetes with this pregnancy. I don’t know how high my weight got. I couldn’t sleep lying down because my right arm would go numb. I could hardly walk first thing in the morning because the pain in my feet was excruciating. My migraines were out of control (I’ve had them since I was 16yo). But we were blessed with our second daughter in December 2015.

Again- survival kicked in. I had a 3yo and a newborn. Every waking minute was spent trying to engage with the 3yo, trying not to give into the guilt I felt because she was no longer an only child, trying to keep the 3yo from squishing the baby to death, worrying over my Father-in-Law’s mysterious illness and symptoms that no one could diagnose … all the while taking 1 week (yes, 7 days) off work after having a baby.

So fast forward to October 2017. I was so done. I was crying every night before bed because it was quite literally the worst part of my day. I was upset with myself over screaming all day at the children. I was scared to go to sleep because of the pain that waited for me just by going to bed. I was depressed and anxious again (long ago I had gotten off the meds…I was still very much in therapy – to this day even!). My husband – God love him – listens to the Joe Rogan Experience (don’t even get me started on my opinion of Joe Rogan!!) and happened to hear the interview with Dr. Shawn Baker. In it they mentioned keto, metabolic disorder, and PCOS … and he asked me to listen to it. So, I did. A light bulb went off and I started researching. I told myself I could do anything for 22 days and I did. And then I never stopped. I kept adding to it. At first, I practiced an “if it fits my macros” approach. That means sugar was still in the “foods” I was eating. I was also consuming baked goods made with alternative flours and sweeteners. I was eating fat bombs and I was fasting.

A few months into my journey, “Keto Kate” was on Instagram stories talking about a book she was reading, “Food Junkies: Recovery from Food Addiction” by Dr. Vera Tarman. I purchased the book and for the second time, a book changed my life. I now had words for what I was experiencing. As a dual-licensed mental health and addiction counselor – I had NO CLUE Food Addiction was a thing. But it all made sense. But it didn’t change how I was eating – not fully. A few months after reading Vera’s book I found Vinnie Tortorich’s NSNG. I stopped eating packaged foods at that point and really focused on whole, real foods. And so the story goes.

I knew I had to help others like me and took Esther Helga’s INFACT program, Georgia Ede’s Keto for Mental Health Professionals, and Bitten Jonsson’s SUGAR Certification and Holistic Medicine for Addiction course.

Today I am down 100#, have a thriving Food Addiction Recovery Coaching practice, and get to co-host the Food Junkies Podcast with Dr. Vera Tarman and my best friend, Clarissa Kennedy! Together Clarissa and I are launching our Sweet Sobriety programs and life couldn’t be more amazing.

I hike, ride dirt bike, love driving atv/utvs on the trails, camping, going for walks and bike rides with my family. We enjoy swimming and being together! I am a recovering imperfectionist and rage-aholic. I no longer go to bed crying out of guilt, shame, or pain. I rarely have migraines.

I connect with others on this journey 2-3 times per week in support groups. I have goals and practice mindful self-compassion to connect with myself. I use helpful coping skills to manage when life gets “lifey”.

I have met some amazing people on this journey and truly feel I am blessed. Having the disease of Food Addiction is the least interesting thing about me. Ask me about Montana. Ask me about raising two wild women. Ask me about growing up helping on the ranch – raising animals and butchering animals…helping calve, helping brand and vaccinate…helping hay and move livestock. Ask me about picking chokecherries and making jam and butter. Ask me about milking the cow and crossing the herd bull pen with a full bucket. Ask me about riding trails in the mountains. Ask me about the people I love. These are the interesting things about me. And I’m willing to bet, on the other side of Food Addiction – you have a tremendous amount of interesting things about you too.